As a man who uses and observes behavior on the dating app Bumble I feel a desire to express my thoughts and some suggestions. Bumble is one of the most powerful and feature filled matching apps available. Using this app to enhance your searching for connections is obvious.
I am a ruthless numbers/science based promoter of hunting among the on-line and app based matching options. On-line dating is not “dating” it is sorting and matching and that is advertising and I have been a marketing and advertising professional for decades. I have scoured the data, hacked the apps, tuned my methods and even applied knowledge of behavioral psychology to my searches.
As many of my male and female friends and I have shared their Bumble matches and efforts over coffee, we’ve noticed some common experiences; what you see here is a short list of our conversations and my observations and discoveries.
Today, we are going to talk about how to spruce up your badly assembled profile. Get ready, buckle up, keep your arms and legs inside. I’m not going to pull any punches and this ride will get bumpy!
The harsh honest overview.
Your sexual attractiveness has EVERYTHING to do with initial attraction. This is reality and no matter how much of the “just be you” and “you deserve” themes you have had forced into your consciousness by TV brainwashing - you still have to maximize on that initial attraction. Convincing the weak and lazy “you are great just the way you are" makes a nice selling point for a mediocre TV talk show host, but it is not reality.
Your social, business, or personal worth has nothing to do with your sexual attractiveness! Let me put that in another way, you CANNOT choose who is attracted to you. You CAN improve and change things for yourself, but you cannot force another human to find you attractive.
You will see me refer to the dating market on this blog, and this observational fact will make many of you uncomfortable. This is a good thing. It should make you uncomfortable because these observations are the part of the dating reality that smashes dreams and desires. Discomfort indicates hard work and effort and again - this is good. All humans have value. Our social, business or personal value in general and our friends and family has NOTHING to do with how attractive you are to others in the dating market.
Dating apps are all about attraction, and that means sexual attraction is at the heart of dating. That fact makes many of us in this puritanical society uncomfortable. Neither Disney nor porn fantasies are real. Give yourself an honest overview of what you can attract in the dating market and then start making a plan to maximize your presentation. It really shouldn’t be my job to give you hope and start cheerleading. One thing of note that should give any woman a reason to celebrate - men are not as shallow as portrayed by society. Enthusiasm, pleasantness, politeness, and even a plethora of various physical attributes are attractive to men in general, you can use this to your advantage.
1. Your pictures suck! (Biggest and most important section.)
You must understand this is advertising! Let me say this again (and again) - this is advertising!
Really, your pictures suck!
Make sure your first picture is the best and sets you above your competition. The better the pictures, the better you look, the better the results.
Yes you are competing with others, yes, this means that some will win and some will come away with nothing, that sucks, get over your snowflake self, prepare yourself for the gauntlet, you can cry later! (I’ll watch.)
Aim your photos to your desired market! This is a market, and you are a product!
The card-game flip/swipe matching of Bumble is a quick sale format. You have less than three seconds and your primary photo is your biggest most important tool.
A note about Sexy for women, this is a dual edged sword; extremely effective but limited. If you want to be matched for only a long term relationship do not lead with cleavage and your booty. Ladies this is bait; sex is bait. Congruency in this ladies - cleavage, and erotic poses do not produce “pure thoughts” in men. Think of this as tossing out “chum/shark-bait” and then complaining about all the sharp teeth in your inbox.
The “Art shot” and typical selfies.
Do not lead with that silly photo, it can be number two if you think it is “totally hot” but if any of your frenemies said it was “super cute” - Ignore that gaggle of lying witches.
Be you in your photos as you are now! (Be accurate, stop hiding!)
Hiding yourself in the photos is a bad long term choice. Honesty and presenting the best you can is better than setting up disappointment. This dishonesty could cost you in the actual dating part, yes reality can be cruel.
Body Shots.
For the love of successful matching and dating, please have several body shots even if you are not happy with your look. You can get matches that are similar to your dating market value. Don’t discount that some people prefer, or are sometimes attracted to things you would not expect (what you think society forces on us).
Many men in high demand are not anywhere near as shallow as society portray them. Again Disney and Porn are not real. Recognize that people are often more attractive in person than accurate photographs.
Filters or “cute faces”.
You may think filters are cool and you love having a puppy nose and ears; sorry, you are mistaken! Seriously this nonsense is annoying and unattractive. Keep that childishness to yourself and having fun with your intoxicated friends. Remember your friends may love you but they don’t actually have sex with you. Men you want to date (attractive, masculine, mature) don’t find childish and infantile very attractive. Keep that tongue in your mouth until you can use it effectively.
The hygiene and bathroom selfies disaster!
If you look around and there is a sink and a toilet there - this is not the best location for snapping a selfie! Look close and be meticulous CLEAN and PICK UP the clutter! Do not have distractions in your photos that should center around you.
2. Are you doing something unattractive or are you unattractive! (Yes, that is mean, and you need to be realistic.)
Wait until the end of the day, get naked and look at yourself in the mirror. This is you. Look hard. Be critical. Do what is necessary to bring yourself up to the dating market value of the matches you want.
Work is hard; having a fit body is hard. A healthy, fit body is worth gold for your life as well as the dating market. Fitness and the confidence it brings is attractive to others.
If your overall presentation is one that is slovenly, unpleasant, demanding, selfish, high maintenance, overweight, and out of shape - you aren’t going to have a very successful experience on Bumble. You must provide some value! Don’t expect a high demand match without providing value to THEM. Other humans are NOT two dimensional characters in a fantasy novel; they are real humans with desires just like you. Stop being selfish and solipsistic.
3. You have no useful information in your presentation or express any creativity.
The first sentence of your profile is your “sales pitch”, this is your one shot to catch someone's attention. You have less than three seconds to make them swipe or lose them forever! As you see above the photo is primary, it is your “product placement” and this first part of your presentation is your hook.
Remember, YOU are the product. The initial swipe/match is based off sexual attractiveness, which can feel objectifying, but sexual chemistry and acceptance/rejection is normal, natural, and is just part of the dating process.
Don’t bother to write details that are available in the stats section. A limited amount of text space is available! Make that text funny, sexy, cool, cute, comfortable, or any other descriptor that fits you as a match and describes you in real life.
The almost universal “I’m not here for a hook up” is covered in the relationship drop down selection, fill that out! Besides we all know you are lying to yourself anyway. For the right guy that “I’m a real lady” social defense is just code for - let’s get a room.
4. Demands, the endless entitled demands are unattractive!
Nobody will give a flying noodle about what you demand! Your list of 613 demands of what you selfishly "must have” makes you that much more unattractive to others. This is a buyers market. You have competition. What do you bring to the table? (And NO, you are not the table!) Everyone is looking for something they like; everyone is looking for what they want. What you want has no attractive value for the people reading your Bumble profile.
5. Don’t be typical in your swiping!
You can beat and hack the algorithms! Don’t be so picky! Simply swipe right on more profiles. Women find 80% of men “unattractive" and the way you swipe will give you a “grade” that brings you up or down in presentation to popular profiles. (“Attraction Inequality and the Dating Economy” by Bradford Tuckfield, Quillette.)
The computer algorithms watch every move you make!
Being aware of this system gives you the chance to change that “swipe everything left” habit. You need to look at your dating (and sexual) market position honestly, and adjust correctly. Adjusting here means that you are likely missing out on 40% or more of your realistic choices, swipe right far more often! Half of you are a “5 out of 10” (or less) based on the dating market on a population wide 1-10 scale.
Swiping in a predictable way is not giving you the best rating via the algorithms. Swiping in a targeted way with more right swiping throws the algorithm based detection and grade system for a loop and will actually raise your presentation value in any app. How you swipe, how you swipe in relation to the average woman, and how others swipe you places you in a grading scale. Imagine this as getting “points” along with how many conversations, how long they are, and closing success plays a part in your placement on the scale.
A note on the for-pay features, if you really want to play this at maximum both men and women should think about subscribing and getting the ability to see who swipes your first, this pool of possible dates is potentially much higher in success.
6. Be Aggressive!
As a woman, an aggressive contact strategy works to your advantage. Look this up, it is already published in sources on dating statistics, and honestly this unexpected reality is fascinating. (See - “A Woman’s Advantage” The secret to success for women on OkCupid? Sending the first message. OKCupid blog. and “DATACLYSM” by Christian Rudder)
You may say “But I don’t like chasing” - well, boo hoo!, Just be alone then, or prepare for another movie date night with your cats or fur babies and Ben and Jerry’s. I cannot help you if you do not act, and nobody else can either; successful dating takes effort.
7. Remove anything not designed to be attractive.
This is a simple suggestion about looking hard at your presentation and then taking out anything that does not present a benefit for others, your target is to find a mutually beneficial self-interest based match.
Overemphasizing social things such as politics, faith, and ethnicity.
When determining compatibility with a match, politics, faith, and ethnicity do not matter nearly as much as perceived. Often, and most depending on age (and possible children) they do not matter at all. (“How Races and Religions Match in Online Dating” OKCupid blog. and “DATACLYSM” by Christian Rudder)
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